last night

I was on the verge of crying. It’s 11pm and she’s screaming and flailing in lap, for the third time. Screaming so loud my ears are ringing, you would’ve thought we were hurting her. I was just sitting there on her bed with her sitting on my lap and lullabies playing. Just trying to go to bed. She had already played all her tricks. ” I want to lay on the floor” to go play. ” I want to lay on the couch” to go play. “I want a snack” then I will go play. “I want to watch Wish/animals” and then I will start to play. “I want to lay in my bed” so I can put my snow boots on and take my pull up off and run through the house at 10:45pm.

Bed time is the hardest at our house. She’s always fought sleep and it’s always been hard to gauge how much sleep she really needs. Sometimes she gets too much and sometimes not enough and once in a great while we hit the sweet spot. Last night, was not the sweet spot. Last night was awful. I felt so terrible for her screaming, but all we were doing was sitting on her bed. She was just so tired. She had to let it out to finally fall asleep. Once she was asleep she slept so well the whole night. She woke up at 6:30am, in a beautiful mood.

Night time, we’ve been through all the tips and tricks, all the routines. We’ve done sleep training, we’ve done the routine of bath, books, lay down. We’ve tried a movie for bed, we’ve tried lay down and walkout. Crying it out did not work well for us, I hate it, I can’t do it. I feel as though I am betraying this tiny human that relies on me and it kills me inside. I am not saying it’s wrong, I am saying it is wrong for us. We’ve tried it all. We’ve even tried our own thing. It worked for some time, and then she realized what we were doing and now she fights it again. So back to the drawing board, she loooved the new idea, but not for sleep, for playing. So back to the drawing board again. It’s a constant battle, getting her to sleep at night.

It makes it extra hard when I have comments flying at me on what to do or what to try or how I am doing it wrong. It’s not their fault, they are usually just trying to help. Which I appreciate, but I also don’t. Comments on what to try next time, use a routine, read a book, make it dark and quiet, take a bath, use soothing music, lavender spray, don’t force it, don’t let her run the house, etc. I don’t want to tell people I’ve already done it, but I have. I don’t want to argue with other people about what I have actually tried and what I haven’t, or if I say “no” or not. Just because I say we had a rough night or share my struggles with you doesn’t mean I want your advice or want you to judge me. I don’t want to argue with my partner about it. I don’t want to expend any more energy than I already am. So, I ignore everyone’s comments and try to just focus on my kiddo.

On the weekends she naps anywhere from no nap to once in a while two hours, usually on average about thirty minutes to an hour. At daycare she naps two hours at least and sometimes up to three. So also working around week day naps and weekend naps is hard. I’ll get her on a good sleeping schedule Saturday and Sunday and then BAM, comes Monday and she takes a two hour and forty-five minute nap. Then Monday night she is up until midnight and I work the rest of the week trying to even out her sleep again. Every week is the same. It’s so exhausting and I feel stuck. I muster through it though and just make sure that my little one is safe, healthy and, for the most part, happy.

Sleep is hard, I am always very tired. I run on coffee, trying to quit energy drinks again. I take iron when I remember to, which is never. I run on zero a lot of the time, due to her not sleeping until eleven or midnight, I wake up at five thirty, usually. It’s very tiring. It’s very frustrating. I feel a lot of anxiety, frustration, guilt, sadness, defeat, around bedtime. Anxious because she is screaming, frustration that she just won’t lay down, guilt because I am frustrated, sad due to her screaming and being upset, and defeat because a ‘good mom’ wouldn’t have these issues. A ‘good mom’ would not have to fight her kid to go to bed. But that isn’t the truth and deep down we all know that. Good moms do have to fight their kids sometimes, good moms have hard days too, good moms struggle. What makes a good mom is working through the struggle and trying to do better next time, a good mom is always trying to do better. Keep problem solving and working toward what your baby needs, and what you need. A good mom finds the balance, and you will too, you are a good mom.

I am not sharing this to get advice. I am not sharing this to tell you you have it easier or harder or that you’re doing something wrong. I am just simply sharing so that you know whatever nighttime struggles you’re going through (or not going through) you’re not alone. You aren’t the only mom going through these things, others are out there. We’re all just too afraid to talk about it. Or we’ve been told we talk about it too much. But we’re here, and we can be here for each other. We can share and listen and support each other.